shiny

this is from past....

Scrub the tub using every latest cleaner advertised on tv. The sparkle is almost just as advertised. Clean the shower glass doors, clean all of the tiles.

One can go through their whole house and remove every imperfection. It would probably cost thousands of dollars, but I bet eventually the most perfectly clean and beautifully decorated house could be made of any home.

Does that perfection lead to happiness? If their is disorder on an emotional and personal level, can making the outside look perfect do any good? I say no. I grew up in that atmosphere, and maybe that is why I have difficulty in having such a pretty perfect home. I always had the better homes and gardens home growing up, but it was all fake to me, because although perfect, it was an illusion as to what really transpired in our home. I was taught to smile even when your world was falling a part. I was always taught that what others thought of you was more important than what was going on with you.

I came home today to find my husband scrubbing and cleaning with a frantic pace our bathroom. I could tell something was wrong, but I was told nothing was wrong. Yes, I know he has an issue with how I am ok with clutter and he is not. It is definitely a difference of ours. I am pretty much a slob (I think a lot due to what I mentioned earlier, and he is pretty anal...quite a combination). We usually work through it and deal with it. But today, I knew when I came home that it was more than just his frustrations with my half azzed attitude towards cleaning. You just sense things if you know someone.

I let him proceed. I had had a long Friday, and honestly as guilty as he was making me feel (or I should say I felt due to his cleaning) I had just worked a long work day, and I didn't feel like jumping in. I wanted to relax. It was a Friday after a long week. (Oh I must make it known that currently he is at home because he is subject to the whole economy crud and doesn't have a job - no fault of his own).

I put dinner in, sat and relaxed with the kids, figuring he would eventually slow down. I kept asking if something was wrong, and was always told no. I started feeling guilty because he was slaving and I was relaxing. I got torn on my feelings there, because part of me was angry that I was feeling guilty on a Friday at the end of day, and part of me felt guilty, because I thought he was mad at me for not doing enough.

He didn't slow down. He kept up. When he gets determined, he is single minded... much like myself.

He finally paused, and I asked him what was wrong. He again affirmed that nothing was wrong, but I knew something was. It frustrates me that he will not open up to me...that he keeps himself so protected from the one person that loves him more than anything. It may be due to actions I took the night before...I don't know...It may be due to something otherwise...I don't know. He won't tell me, so I don't know. That is true frustration, because without communication I can't even begin to know where to start. We both have our imperfections, and I am certain they contribute to all of this, but our lack of communication just makes it worse.

I told him I love him, not just saying it, but that I really love him, and wish he would open up to me. It really did nothing and that frustrates me more. When he told me nothing was wrong, and I pushed it saying I knew his facial expressions and all and knew something more was going on, he again insisted nothing was wrong. I know otherwise. So I told him now something was, because I knew something was wrong and he wasn't sharing and that in itself was an issue.

My bathroom is sparkly shiny...perfection! Better Homes and Gardens could take pics and love it.

Everything else? Not so.

the secret

Frustration and loser is all I felt. Most kids leave their middle school dance feeling excited and thrilled, all I felt was a further confirmation that I was a flower so melted into the wall that I didn't even exist.

I grew up moving, my father was in the military, so we moved every few years, I was used to that. Sometimes, I moved and was almost a celebrity new girl, other times I was the snubbed new freak. This time, I moved, not because of a military move, but because of a divorce. I was nothing and invisible. I often wondered if people even knew my name.

I moved into a small Idaho town where everyone knew each other since birth, sometimes I wondered if they somehow knew each other before in some psychic connection, since it was such an elitest club. Not only was I a new kid around, I experienced my first taste of being a minority. Idaho is Mormon land, and I wasn't Mormon. Some kids welcomed me when I came, but it was the outcast group.

I had a huge crush on a boy at school, and would do all I could to be around him like every girl with a crush does, but I was a no one, so that meant nothing. It was further clarified at that dance.

I arrived home to the empty home I was used to. Since the divorce, my mom was always at school working on her degree, and my brother was always at work or doing something which I was too ignorant to be included on. I sat in the living room all by myself, and swore that I would never be the person I was again. I swore that I would never be someone no one knew again.

Looking back, sometimes what you wish for as a kid isn't the best thing.

My best friend had made plans. She too wanted to escape the mediocrity we had somehow been locked into. What is the best way for teenagers to escape that scenario? Do what the movies do, and have a party which makes you popular. Her parents were away, and she knew many more people than I did, she was actually a known flower unlike invisible me. She invited many people over to her house for a graduating 9th grade party.

I had never even had alcohol prior to that party beyond having special hot chocolates as a kid. My dad used to let us have hot chocolate with creme de menthe on special occasions. Everyone at the party acted like they were used to drinking. I didn't want to act like I wasn't used to it, so I drank. It tasted awful. I kept pouring the beer into any plant I could find so no one would know any better. As the night went on, the taste didn't seem so bad, but everything seemed so fuzzy.

Finally at one point, I went into a bedroom to lay down, my world seemed upside down and I just wanted it to stop spinning. Two guys came in. Mind you, these are two guys that I always thought the world of in my invisible world, they were up many notches. The guys that all dork girls have crushes on. My world was still spinning, and it all felt like a dream, and since they were there, it still felt like a dream. Joe, we will call him Joe, began stroking my face, and reached down to kiss me. In a dreamlike state, I kissed him back...was this real? I hadn't ever kissed a boy in my life! It was exciting. Was this a dream? Did I just have my first kiss with one of the popular guys?They kept talking and laughing suddenly both feeling me and reaching their hands under my clothes. Suddenly my excitement changed to fear and confusion. I kept my eyes closed telling myself this was all a dream. I couldn't even speak I didn't know what to do. I felt fingers touching me where no one had ever touched. I had never had a first kiss until that night and suddenly I was being probed, and terrified to say anything. I was frozen. I didn't want to scream out, because I didn't want to seem like a freak if it was normal. I couldn't think, I couldn't accept anything. I kept hearing the words "Just relax." My world was spinning. It was all a blur. Fingers, touches, pain... I just kept telling myself it was all a dream...this was all a dream. If I had closed my eyes any tighter they would have melted together. I did nothing.I did nothing.......

My life was never the same again. I guess I got what I wished for.