Frustration and loser is all I felt. Most kids leave their middle school dance feeling excited and thrilled, all I felt was a further confirmation that I was a flower so melted into the wall that I didn't even exist.
I grew up moving, my father was in the military, so we moved every few years, I was used to that. Sometimes, I moved and was almost a celebrity new girl, other times I was the snubbed new freak. This time, I moved, not because of a military move, but because of a divorce. I was nothing and invisible. I often wondered if people even knew my name.
I moved into a small Idaho town where everyone knew each other since birth, sometimes I wondered if they somehow knew each other before in some psychic connection, since it was such an elitest club. Not only was I a new kid around, I experienced my first taste of being a minority. Idaho is Mormon land, and I wasn't Mormon. Some kids welcomed me when I came, but it was the outcast group.
I had a huge crush on a boy at school, and would do all I could to be around him like every girl with a crush does, but I was a no one, so that meant nothing. It was further clarified at that dance.
I arrived home to the empty home I was used to. Since the divorce, my mom was always at school working on her degree, and my brother was always at work or doing something which I was too ignorant to be included on. I sat in the living room all by myself, and swore that I would never be the person I was again. I swore that I would never be someone no one knew again.
Looking back, sometimes what you wish for as a kid isn't the best thing.
My best friend had made plans. She too wanted to escape the mediocrity we had somehow been locked into. What is the best way for teenagers to escape that scenario? Do what the movies do, and have a party which makes you popular. Her parents were away, and she knew many more people than I did, she was actually a known flower unlike invisible me. She invited many people over to her house for a graduating 9th grade party.
I had never even had alcohol prior to that party beyond having special hot chocolates as a kid. My dad used to let us have hot chocolate with creme de menthe on special occasions. Everyone at the party acted like they were used to drinking. I didn't want to act like I wasn't used to it, so I drank. It tasted awful. I kept pouring the beer into any plant I could find so no one would know any better. As the night went on, the taste didn't seem so bad, but everything seemed so fuzzy.
Finally at one point, I went into a bedroom to lay down, my world seemed upside down and I just wanted it to stop spinning. Two guys came in. Mind you, these are two guys that I always thought the world of in my invisible world, they were up many notches. The guys that all dork girls have crushes on. My world was still spinning, and it all felt like a dream, and since they were there, it still felt like a dream. Joe, we will call him Joe, began stroking my face, and reached down to kiss me. In a dreamlike state, I kissed him back...was this real? I hadn't ever kissed a boy in my life! It was exciting. Was this a dream? Did I just have my first kiss with one of the popular guys?They kept talking and laughing suddenly both feeling me and reaching their hands under my clothes. Suddenly my excitement changed to fear and confusion. I kept my eyes closed telling myself this was all a dream. I couldn't even speak I didn't know what to do. I felt fingers touching me where no one had ever touched. I had never had a first kiss until that night and suddenly I was being probed, and terrified to say anything. I was frozen. I didn't want to scream out, because I didn't want to seem like a freak if it was normal. I couldn't think, I couldn't accept anything. I kept hearing the words "Just relax." My world was spinning. It was all a blur. Fingers, touches, pain... I just kept telling myself it was all a dream...this was all a dream. If I had closed my eyes any tighter they would have melted together. I did nothing.I did nothing.......
My life was never the same again. I guess I got what I wished for.
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