Visit to the Stirrups

Last night I went to the appointment all women adore going to………
the dreaded gyno visit.

We hate these visits as it is so we get to spend our entire day projecting about the wonderful visit. Luckily my appointment was in the evening after work. Of course that meant me rushing home to jump in the shower and inspecting every part of my body before heading off. Was eating dinner important? Of course not. Knowing I would have myself being inspected by a Dr and another complimental stranger (the assigned nurse) was where the focus laid. Thus I hurried and made myself as squeaky clean as possible.

Oh…..although we always carefully fold our clothes when we strip and hide our more “private” clothing such that they are not visible……picking the nicest undergarments is always of importance for such an appointment. Every woman hears in the back of her mind that old wives rant about good underwear and never getting caught with ummmm embarrassing wholey underwear. Thus one has to pick. No we can’t pick the granny panties……makes us too old……..can’t pick that thong……makes us look too promiscuous. Ok we will pick the typical Hanes Women………all american generic.(aren’t we women silly?)

So I get to my appointment.

I get called back. The first thing…….the very first thing they do is have you get on the scale. Of course I am still wearing my jacket…..and holding my purse……. so of course although they weigh me in at one weight………my jacket …clothes and purse have to at least weigh……30lbs right?

Well I want to know what has happened in the gyno attire recently. The nurse put me in the room, took my blood pressure and all that. Then handed me a folded piece of paper. She said “change into this front opening….. and put blanket (pointing to another sheet of paper) over your legs” I was left with mouth open still attempting to make logic of what she said. Put what on? She gave me a sheet of paper.

I investigated it further. It wasn’t a piece of paper it was I suppose what one would call a top made out of Bounty paper towels. And very little at that. The cheap generic brand I use at home would wipe up more of a coffee stain than this would. I used to dread the cloth tops they had us wear….. you know the ones……..the blue overly washed…….holey…….straps missing tops. At least they were tops! I was afraid to tear this as I put it on, and I kept having images of the Bounty man flashing across my mind. Oh but I did have the wonderful Bounty Blanket to fold across my legs.

Well I won’t bore you with the rest of my visit……….it was COLD POKEY and a lot of listening to “Relax” while a popsicle was put privately.

But I do wish……. that we could return to old holey strapless covers rather than being human rolls of papertowels. These annual visits are traumatic enough without Bounty. I mean……… goodness I went through that whole pre-visit picking my undies so well …at least maybe the floral Bounty?